8 Reasons You Should NEVER Go Vegan
Going vegan was one of the most controversial things I have ever done.
No, seriously! Go talk to Mike down at your local butcher shop, he’ll tell you all about how vegans are ruining the world.
Well, Mike from the Meat Department, I’ll save you some time.
Here are my top 8 reasons people shouldn’t go vegan!
1. Other People Matter Way Too Much
Have you mentioned going vegan and been called a “human-hater”?
Well, it’s true. Vegans only care about the animals. We care so much, we actually don’t have any compassion left over for our fellow homo-sapiens. Too bad, so sad.
On that note, if you care about what people think of you, there’s another reason to never go vegan. My skin is as thick as pleather, but it wasn’t always this way.
Once upon a time, I was a charismatic, happy individual. That all stopped when I went vegan, now it’s all bitterness and hatred for humanity.
2. Fuck Developing Countries!
Speaking of other people, did you know Animal Agriculture contributes to world-hunger? That’s right!
In fact, it’s been shown that a better use of existing croplands could feed four billion more people by simply shifting away from growing crops for animals, and instead growing it direct for human consumption. (Source)
Once I found that out, I ditched the soy and went right back to burgers. I can’t have starving people in the third-world eating grain that’s supposed to go to my “burger cows”!
3. Hate the Planet? Keep Eating Meat!
By now, we all know that animal agriculture is the single greatest source of:
- Greenhouse Gasses,
- Land Use,
- Land Degradation,
- Freshwater Pollution, and
- Rainforest Destruction
Who would want to ease these problems? Damn communistic-liberals, that’s who!
Fuck the planet, fuck the animals, and fuck the generations that come after us, RIGHT!?
If we don’t stop this nonsense, we might actually curb climate change.. What a nightmare!
4. Live Longer Thanks to Veganism? No Thank You!
According to the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, vegans are less likely to develop:
- Heart Disease,
- Diabetes, or
- High Blood Pressure
than meat eaters are.
Who do they think they are!? I prefer my life to be like my coffee: bland, under-extracted, and gone too fast.
Speaking of health, vegans tend to be thinner than meat-eaters and have more energy. Why would anyone want either of those things!?
5. Vegan Food is Delicious
Vegan food is freaking delicious.. And I hate it!
You can’t bake a cake without eggs, that’s just devil-worshiping-witchcraft. My Nana told me so!
Vegan food might taste delicious, but burning in hell for eternity isn’t worth it.
6. Missing Out on Fun
Animal products are often contaminated with feces, blood, and other bodily fluids. Umm, YUM!
Why would the vegans try to boycott an industry that loves to poison us!?
Don’t you dare try to deprive me of my ritualistic diarrhea, cramping, abdominal pain, and fever!
“I feel so aliveeeeeeeee.”
7. Some Produce Is Worse For You Than Meat
Vegans always tout how healthy plants are.
Deadly Nightshade is a plant, why don’t you eat that!?
~ Angry Omnivores Everywhere
Animal products, on the other hand, are 100% healthy. Yup. No questions there!
8. Because Your Mind Tells You “No”
You remember that time when your parents broke the news about Santa?
Let me guess: you ostracized them and continued believing.
No? You were presented with new facts that challenged your beliefs, and you CHANGED YOUR OPINION!?
Any vegan can tell you: That’s not possible.
You are either born into veganism, or you aren’t. There’s no changing your genetics or beliefs.
Conclusion: Veganism Is for Everyone
OH MY GOD! It was sarcasm!! It was ALL SARCASM!
I was gagging typing that out. How can people actually be that naive!?
It might seem like total nonsense, but these are actual excuses I’ve heard people quote for not going vegan.
We’re tired of excuses, so are the animals, the planet, and your health.
Ready to make the best choice of your life? Get a free vegan starter kit here!